My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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