just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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