I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
