foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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