Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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