I am in a vortex of obligation.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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