During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
How does one acquire holy water?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
