oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
