There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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