I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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