goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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