i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
