I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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