I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
