awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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