A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
