I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
