Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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