he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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