Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
