it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
