Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
