My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
