U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
