This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
