Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
