from now on my penis is your penis
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
