if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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