just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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