just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
