I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
we should paint friendship bongs
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