i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Randomize
