I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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