I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
