i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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