Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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