Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
