I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
