I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
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