first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
