Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
