SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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