Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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