So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
me + whiskey = a bad person
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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