just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
