she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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