You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
