True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
