bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
