It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize