my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
