went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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