First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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