I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
