Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
