Pants 0. Shit 1.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
