Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize