we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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