Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
