ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Who died my cat blue again?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
