Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
