When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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