I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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