420 ftw
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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