I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize