you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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