no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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