I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Michael Bay diarrhea
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
