please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Did you just see the Batmobile???
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize